Razorblade Romance
by blueberry-skittle
Summary: I look around my temporary sanctuary, there's blood on the floor, in pools by the showers and all around me, seeping out the door, and it's splattered on the mirror- it's Sirius's only chance to escape the hell his parents have created for him
1. Razorblade Kiss

Razorblade Romance

By Zara

A/N: I don't own anything except the idea, and i'd love it if you'd review. I got this idea while doing a research project on self mutilation (ironic huh)

"Sirius." He whispered my name through the locked door. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, my back against the door. "Sirius just open the door."

I didn't listen to the distressing note in his voice. "Sirius, come on, let me come in so we can talk. We don't have to tell James or Peter ok. Sirius?"

I don't want to talk about it Moony.

I heard muffled footsteps outside my sanctuary, then a voice. "How's he doing?" it's Prongs.

I heard Remus take a shaky breath before replying. "He won't talk, he won't even say he doesn't want to talk. I don't know what to do." I could tell he was trying to keep it together, and I wish I could comfort him, tell him everything would be alright. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

James tried to unlock the door with Alohamora, but it didn't work, I made sure it wouldn't. I looked around my temporary sanctuary, there's blood on the floor, in pools by the showers and all around me, seeping out the door, and it's splattered on the mirror. There's a knife lying two feet from my side and bloody rags littered the floor.

I grabbed the knife beside me. Pure silver with the family crest etched in the side. "Sirius we need to talk." It was james.

"You have to stop doing this." I smashed my head into the door behind me, then I did it again, I didn't want to listen to him. "Just listen to me!"

I got up and started to run to the other side of the room with my knife. I slipped on my own pools of blood and crashed into the floor length mirror James got for me in third year. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard them shout that they'll break the door down. But I wasn't listening anymore, my silver friend was at my wrist again. Slowly it sank its teeth into my flesh, reopening old scars. The slice was neat and clean, not like my old ones. When they used to be jagged and rushed. But my knife was my friend, he wouldn't hurt me.

I wasn't paying attention to anything but my arm, watching the blood run down into the crook of my elbow and dripping onto the floor. I never heard them blast the bathroom door open, nor did I hear them run over to me.

Remus is faster than James, he reached me first. He snatched my knife out of my hand and out of my reach. And then he screamed and dropped it again. I tried to grab it, but he kicked it out of the way.

But there was glass, I was sitting in it, shards of it surrounding me. It wouldn't be as clean but it would work. I think they knew what I was planning because Remus grabbed me and pulled me away from the broken mirror.

"Let me go!" I tried to scream it, but my voice was hoarse from not using it in a while. I tried to push him off me but he grabbed me into what would once have been a hug. To me it was a trap. Once upon a time when I had been taller than Remus it would have been easy to get away from him, but now I had no such luck, just this summer he had grown five inches taller than me.

"You idiot what are you doing to yourself?" his head was buried in my hair and I could hear the sobs in his voice.

"I'm gonna get McGonagall." I heard James say. I didn't care, they couldn't do anything to me that I would feel. I was numb, I'd been numb for near a year now. I could feel Remus shake as he sobbed.

"You idiot. What are you doing, do you want to die?" he pulled back and looked me in the eye. I hated seeing his amber eyes filled with tears, all red and puffy with tear tracks running down his cheeks. I expected to feel the heartache I used to feel when I had seen him like this before. It never came.

I didn't answer his question, because truthfully I didn't know the answer. "I suppose, can't be worse than this."

It looked like his heart had been torn in two by my words. "You promised you'd never leave me though." I barely caught his whisper. The broken look he has, and the despair that shows in his eyes seeps into my soul.

I struggled to get to my knife again. But he won't let go. "Get off me moony." I broke free and grabbed the nearest sharp object. I cut into my flesh but it wasn't soothing like it used to be. I ran and grabbed my knife. I cut into my arm, again and again, but every time the pain was worse. But I don't feel pain!

I looked down at the pattern of red lines on my arm. The blood flowed fast from my veins, and it might be possible I'd started to feel dizzy.

"Moony, make it stop." I cried. He slowly walked towards me. "Please moony, make it stop, the blood won't stop!" I felt tears slip out and run down my cheeks.

Slowly he knelt beside me and took the knife from my hands. I couldn't tell if he actually felt the silver burn him or not. He opened his arms and I fell into his embrace. He put one arm around my shoulders and the other one took my arm.

He put pressure on it with someone's dirty shirt and whispered. "Don't ever leave me Sirius."

"If you don't ever leave me." that's how McGonagall and Pomfrey found us.

SBRL

Pomfrey won't let me leave the hospital wing. The only good thing about this is she won't let Moony leave either. His hand got burned pretty badly, and it was my fault. One of the bad things is he'll be gone by tomorrow and I won't, they think I'm mental. James came to see us as soon as Pomfrey was done patching us up. He looked at me nervously and sat on Remus' bed instead. He didn't touch me like he used to when I was injured, no hug no hi-five for an awesome whack at a bludger, even though it ricocheted off someone's head and broke my arm.

I'm just a little sick, not broken! My mind screamed at him. But he left within the hour.

It was midnight and I couldn't sleep. Too much happened today, too much I still felt guilty about. I sighed rather loudly and turned over trying to find a comfy spot. "Go to sleep Padfoot

I jump, I thought Moony was asleep. "I can't." I can just make out his shadow getting out of his bed and coming to mine.

"Scoot over." He whispers nudging me over. I make room for him, and he crawls in next to me.

"Do you want to talk?" he asks gently. Yes I do! Where were you when everything was falling apart? All I need was someone to talk to! I was lost and insecure, and where were you?

"No." I whisper. I hold onto him tight, afraid he'll disappear. "Just don't leave me."

"I won't leave you Sirius." He reassures me again, and holds onto me as well.

"Why'd you do it?" this isn't the first time he's asked me.

"It felt good. I couldn't take the pain of reality and it made me numb." I surprise myself by answering this time.

"What's going on at home Sirius?" I don't ask how he knows it's got too due with my family, nor do I ask him how he knew it started this summer. Remus just knows these things.

"I'm not allowed to write to you guys, or talk about you and James. They burned my pictures and all our notes when I wasn't home. I'm confined to my room most of the time, they starve me and give me dirty water to drink. My brother hates me now. It's too much Moony I just can't take it."

"I know it must be hard Sirius." I don't snap at him with my usual retort of how could you your parents love you and nod instead. "Look why don't you come stay with me for the end of the summer?"

"I'd hate to do that Moony, I know you guys don't have a lot of money right now." It was true, and we both knew it. He didn't often get presents from home for Christmas or his birthday. James and I never got to go with him to Diagon Alley, because he didn't want us in the second hand shops with him. We bought him new stuff anyways.

"I want you there." He assured me. It felt good to talk about it. I felt lighter than I had in a while. I knew I was far from normal but at least I was on my way to recovery.


	2. Salvation

I was awoken in the middle of the night. At first I thought it was a mouse, but it was sobbing. Small child-like sobs coming from the common room. I looked around the dorm and sure enough Sirius's bed was empty. It had been a month and a half since the cutting incident and I didn't think he was getting any better. Everyone else fell for his charade.

Careful not to wake James or Peter, I crawled out of my bed and made my way down the stairs. Sirius was sitting on the floor watching the ashes flicker in the fireplace.

"Sirius?" I whispered. He looked at me and it scared me. His eyes were haunted and lifeless. Like he didn't really see me at all, like he didn't see anything.

"Mummy?" he asked me. His voice was so small if I hadn't been looking at him I would have thought a child was here. "Are you my mummy?"

"No Sirius I'm not your mummy." I replied.

"Have you seen my mummy?" it was the same haunted voice.

"No Sirius I don't know where your mummy is." I was getting scared; I'd never seen my friend act like this.

"Mummy, are you my mummy?" his voice was getting higher, and I could tell he was starting to panic a little. "Mummy, where are you mummy? I'm scared mummy. Are you my mummy?"

"No I'm not your mummy Sirius." I didn't know what to do, but he kept on babbling.

"Mummy, are you my mummy? Where are you mummy? I'm scared, mummy. Mummy why don't you love me mummy? Are you my mummy?"

Finally I sat down next to him and pulled him into my arms. "Shh, it's okay."

"Where's my mummy? I'm scared mummy. Are you my mummy?" his dull silver eyes looked right into mine and I didn't know how to help him.

"Sure." I just said. "Sure I'll be your mummy Sirius." His eyes seemed a little bit brighter to me.

"Mummy I'm scared mummy." His voice was still small.

"Nothing's gonna harm you. It's okay Sirius." I tried to comfort him, but it wasn't really working.

"Mummy why don't you love me mummy?" I don't know if it's good or bad that his voice is getting louder. I can't tell if he really believes I'm his mummy or not.

"I do love you Sirius, I love really."

"Mummy, where's my mummy?" he practically screamed this.

"Shh. Sirius I'm right here." He might have woken someone up, I can't tell. He looked at me, his eyes filling up with water, and shook with fear.

He desperately grabbed onto me. So tight it hurt, but it was okay, as long as it helped Sirius. "Mummy, don't let them get me mummy." He wailed. It broke my heart to hear this.

"Who's going to get you?"

"Don't let them get me mummy." He sobbed.

"What's going on?" I don't need to turn my head to know it was James. "Moony what's going on?"

Before I could answer Sirius started babbling again. "Mummy, are you my mummy?" he stared at James like he had when I'd come down.

"No I'm not your mummy." James replied, slowly taking a step towards us.

"Mummy, mummy where are you? I'm scared mummy!"

"Sirius, I'm right here, everything's okay." His had snapped back to look at me.

"Mummy, there coming for me." His voice changed, it wasn't the child's voice he had been using, it was his own haunted voice.

"What's coming for you?" James asked, I could smell the fear on him.

"They are." Sirius said in the same eerie voice. I missed the child's voice to this. Before either of us could ask who they were Sirius's eyes rolled into the back of his skull and he was still.

Gently I picked him up and carried him back to the dorm. "Don't you think you should take him to Pomfrey?" James asked me.

I didn't want the teachers involved in this, so I ignored James and walked up the stairs. Peter was sitting up in his bed when I walked in. "the whole tower could hear him screaming." He whispered.

I ignored him as well and set Sirius down on my bed. "If you're going to keep him in here you should put him in his own bed." James said climbing into his.

"No. I'm going to watch over him tonight."

SBRL

Sirius woke the same time he usually did at six o'clock sharp. He looked around for a minute trying to figure out why he wasn't in his bed. He looked over at me and questioned why he was here silently. Normally I'd still be asleep, but I'd stayed up the whole night to make sure Sirius didn't have another episode. That's what I'd decided to label it as, an episode.

"You had a bad night." That's what I told him.

"What happened?" his voice was raw, probably from how high it got last night, and all the screaming.

"You just got scared is all." I placed a reassuring smile on my face and gently patted his arm.

"Oh." It's all he said before he got up to go get ready. I waited until he's in the shower before I go in to brush my teeth and get ready. I tried to go as quick as I could because I know he'll wait until I'm out before he'll get out.

James and peter slept in, which was no surprise considering they both were up in the middle of the night. Not to mention it was Saturday. I waited for Sirius until the two of us went to breakfast.

We didn't talk on the way down to the great hall. Hardly anyone was there when we arrived. A couple random students and a few teachers.

We sat by ourselves and quietly ate. Until Sirius said, "I remember screaming."

"Yes, you were screaming." I replied calmly. He chews on a bacon strip before asking what I'd hoped he wouldn't.

"What was I screaming about?" I looked at him and wondered if I should tell him or not.

"You wanted your mummy." He didn't look surprised so I took that as a good sign. "And about them taking you. But you wouldn't tell me who they were."

"Maybe because I don't know who they are. Then again maybe I do know them." This statement lead me to believe this had happened before. We finished in silence and left to go to the hospital wing. Every Saturday Sirius was examined to check his brain stability and make sure he hadn't hurt himself anymore. He hadn't touched any sort of knife since the incident. I'd know because I've had to cut up his food before. Normally he'd choose finger food, but no dog can resist steak.

"Don't tell Pomfrey about last night."

"Why not? You could get some dreamless sleep potions."

"But I wasn't dreaming. Please don't." he practically begged me, I'd do anything he asked me too, including this.

Pomfrey went through the body check first. Checking every surface of his skin for any new cuts or bruises. Then she'd do a scan on his brain to check if the brain chemicals that made him depressed had acted up again. And like every Saturday before everything was in order.

We sat outside by the lake, it was finally starting to get warm again. "Who was going to get you Sirius?" I can't help but ask.

"The whitecoats." I didn't know exactly who the Whitecoats are, but I'd seen enough Muggle movies to guess they were the asylum workers.

"Like from Bedlam?" I asked, it was the only one I could think of at the moment. He looked at me confused, then I remembered he came from a pure-blood family. Funny how one forgets things like that. "Do wizards have an asylum?" just because my dad was a wizard didn't mean he'd tell me things like that.

"Yes. I've been there before. My aunt Druella told my mother I should be admitted." He's got that look of disgust he always gets whenever someone mentions his family. I'm starting to understand why, they weren't just mean to their son, they were downright cruel.

"And." I pressed for more information.

"She agreed, I was there for three months before my father came and rescued me. I was nine. They paid people to keep it hushed up. After that I started cutting." I could see him choking back sobs. I pulled him into an embrace to let him know I was there.

"That's why you wanted your mummy?" it wasn't really a question more of an answer.

"I just want parents who love me." I could feel tears leaking onto my shirt, where his head rested. "Will you really be my mummy?" his voice was quit again, and I barely made out the question.

"Yes, Sirius I'll be your mummy." I'll do everything in my power to help you.


	3. Burning

A/N: thanks to everyone who reviewed and here's another chapter, the first part is actually a blog of mine I posted recently and it just happened to fit. I think this story is actually starting to have a plot *gasp* and it's not as angst as the other chapters but I hope you like it.

Sirius's POV again

I just need a mate. Someone who will love me, who will hold me when I most need it, someone to kiss me and tell me it will be alright, like they do in the movies. But I can't do the dating thing... the constant pressure of not screwing up, of being with them and only them and never anyone else, the clinginess of them all, all the girls I've dated have all been the same... and that's not what I want.

I feel... alone, so very very alone. Someone out there... **anyone** out there tell me you love me... tell me someone else loves me. Help me find a way to cope with this... I can't deal with it... but I don't have any other choices. I'm alone, I'm hurt, I feel unwanted... and I'm scared... I'm scared I'll start cutting again, or do something worse to myself.

"Remus?" he looked up from across the table at me. "Do you love me?"

"You're my best friend Sirius, and I love you like a brother."

"All I want is a friend. A mate, but do you love me?" I asked again.

"I just told you Sirius." He said going back to his book.

"Oh." I don't want to start again. But James has a pocket knife in his trunk. I know where it is, it would be so easy to just… but no I promised I wouldn't and I won't.

"Remus."

"Yes Sirius?" he looked annoyed.

"Never mind." I mumbled to the tabletop. A minute passed by before I looked up again. He was looking right at me with his amber eyes, waiting. "I'm scared."

He looked surprised for a moment, then quickly covered it up. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know. It's difficult to explain. I want to get better, but I just want a knife on my skin, but then I don't and … I hate that I can't think straight anymore, and no one loves me. Do you love me?" by the time I finished I'd forgotten everything I'd said before.

"Like a brother Sirius, that's it." He wasn't mad, or irritated. He looked calm and… helpful.

"I want help." I said.

"I know Sirius. We're trying to help you remember? But you have to help too." He acts like a parent should. Like mine should've. I want him to love me and help me chase the monster out from under my bed.

"You're going to help me." I repeated.

"Yes I'm going to help you."

SBRL

As I sat on the bathroom floor, the same spot where I'd begged Moony to stop the bleeding, I felt the absolute need for something. The emotion was so strong it hurt. At first I thought it was pain, just to hurt. But I promised I wouldn't touch another knife. Then for a minute it felt as though it was the need to belong and be loved.

I let the feeling well up into my chest until it hurt so much I almost cried, when a sudden idea struck me. I promised Remus, and myself, that I would never under any circumstance touch a knife ever again.

But I never said anything about toxins, or matches, or guns, or a needle. James had matches in his trunk, I knew where they were too.

I got up off the floor so fast I had to stop a minute and let my vision right itself again. Then I ran out of the loo and into the dorm. It was empty completely empty.

I pulled open the latch on my best friend's trunk. It didn't take long until I had the matches in my hand. I'd never lit one before, but I'd seen people do it plenty of times.

I held the tip in my fingers and struck it on the book. I didn't bother to move my fingers after it caught fire, I wanted to get burned. My fingers stung when the fire made contact, but it felt so good.

Before it lost its flame I held it against my arm and watched as the flames licked my scars and turned them pink.

Before I could move it to a new spot I heard commotion outside the door. I blew the match out put it in my pocket and pulled the sleeve of my hoodie down over the burn.

"He Sirius, what're you doing up here?" James asked me flopping down on his bed. Peter was right behind him, following suite.

"I was getting my charms text book." The lie's come easily to my lips. "Where's mu… Moony?" I almost called him mummy. After my episode last week, I keep referring to him as that on accident.

"The library I think, you can always check the map." James replied.

I made sure the matchbook was safely in my pocket before heading downstairs and out through the portrait hole. Down the stairs and through so many corridors I was sure I had to be somewhat lost by now. I pulled out another match, and as I strike it I think of a story Moony once told me about. I can't remember much of the story, or the title, but it was about a little girl all alone with a matchbook, on Christmas Eve. All she wanted was a little love and warmth from a stranger. She died.

I think I know how she feels, as I put the fire to my arm again. But this time it's different.

It hurts.

SBRL

"Remus! Remus, Remus, Remus!" I yelled as loud as I could running down the corridor. "Remus!"

"What? What's wrong?" he stood right in front of me, his hands comfortingly on my arms, with a look of concern on his face. "Sirius?"

"I did something really bad. I know I shouldn't've but I couldn't help it. I'm really sorry." I don't notice that my voice has taken on a whiney tone, or that my eyes are filled with tears.

"What did you do?" Remus asked, his grip getting tighter.

I pulled away from him and shoved my sleeve up past my elbow. "You're not going to hit me, are you mummy?"

"Sirius, why would you do such a thing?" he asked pulling me into his arms.

"I don't know, I hurt and I wanted it to stop." As I felt the tears run down my cheeks, and my nose fill up with snot, I realized that this is what I wanted all along. I pulled the book out of my pocket and held it up for him to take.

"You stole these from James." He didn't sound angry, but I wasn't sure. "Sirius you'll have to give them back, and apologize. I think you owe everyone an apology for hurting yourself again."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Remus. Please don't hate me, don't hit me." I sobbed.

"I don't hate you Sirius, and I'm not going to hit you. But I'm going to take you to the hospital wing so you can tell Madame Pomfrey what you did, and so she can treat your burns."


	4. Lies

A/N: it's not that good but hopefully it will be god enough until I figure out what to do with this now. I really need you're guys's help. What direction should the plot be heading, and do you want me to make Sirius a little kid?? Please review and let me know, if I don't get any suggestions I won't know what to do with it and it will take a while until anything more gets posted, so please let me know.

"Peter have you seen Sirius anywhere?" I had been in the dorm working on an essay all morning.

"No sorry Remus I haven't seen him. Maybe he's at lunch?" I nod my head before going out the portrait hole to find James.

I found James up the charms corridor looking pouty. An angry Lily Evans storming away. "Hey prongs, you haven't seen Sirius anywhere have you?"

"No why?"

"Just getting kind of worried. No one's seen him and he wasn't in the great hall, or the common room."

"We'll check the map then." James said pulling it out of his pocket.

It took us ages to locate him. "What's he doing in the dungeons? He hates it there."

"Come on lets go." we raced down the stairs and corridors until we reached the dungeons of the castle. "Which way?" I asked desperately.

"This way." We took a left and kept going. Finally we turned a corner and saw Sirius sitting against the wall a little ways down.

As we got closer I noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, and the tears that were falling down his cheeks. "Sirius?"

He didn't move, just kept staring straight ahead at the wall. "Sirius are you all right?" I knelt down beside him and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Come on Sirius." His blank eyes kept looking at the stone wall. I wrapped my fingers around his arm, and he whimpered. "Talk to me Sirius. What happened?"

He whimpered again and the tears started to fall harder. "Who did this to you?" I asked more urgently. "Who was it?" I practically screamed, forcing my own tears not to fall.

"Moony look." James said pointing at Sirius. He's started shaking. I sat down next to my best friend and put one arm around his shoulders. He leans into me, and I know he knows who I am now.

"Why won't you talk to us Sirius?" he's remained silent, just shook his head no.

"Did they hurt you?" James tried. Again Sirius shook his head no. then quickly changed it to a yes.

"Did they hit you?" I tried to make my voice as gentle as possible. I was full of rage on the inside. If I couldn't control it my wolfish instincts might start to kick in.

Thankfully Sirius said no. before I could ask another question James did, "did they kick you?"

I shook my head at him and asked Sirius, "Did they hurt you up here?" I put my pointer finger to his temple, and he shook yes. "Whatever they said to you Sirius, it wasn't true. Whatever they said to make you stop talking was a lie."

His head shook no so hard I thought he might get whiplash. He cried out from his mental agony. "Sirius don't believe them, it wasn't true." James softly said.

After a minute of silence Sirius hoarsely whispered, "Lie."

"That's right Padfoot it was all a lie."

Sirius shook his head no, then took a breath before saying. "You lie."

I couldn't believe it. "What?" it didn't seem possible I'd heard right.

He looked at me with his tear filled eyes and slowly said, "You lie. To me."

"No I don't. I don't lie to you." I tried to reassure him. I'm positive it's true, but doubts were starting to form in my mind.

"Yes. Yes. You lie." His voice was cracked, and impatient.

"No I don't. When?"

"Don't love me. Wanna lock me up." How used to his childlike voice was I that I hardly noticed it anymore?

"I don't want you locked up Sirius. And I do love you." Held him a little closer as I said this. It was true.

"No, no, 's not true!" he cried.

"Yes it is, James and I love you very much."

"It's true Padfoot." James said sitting on his other side.

"They said it's not."

"You daft boy. Don't listen to what outsiders say. They don't know anything." I said kissing his wet cheek.

"Don't ever leave me you guys." He said clutching on to the two of us like his last life line.

"We won't." we said simultaneously. And it was the truth.


	5. Sick or Sane?

"Sirius is that you?" I asked sitting up in bed. I looked over at the clock and it read 2:00. "It's two in the morning where have you been all this time?"

"Oh uh. You know, around." He crept over to his bed and crawled in. "I was in the um.. Kitchens" That's when I noticed the blood on his sleeve.

I hopped out of bed and walked over to him, furious. He must have noticed I was mad because he got a fearful look in his eye. I grabbed his arm and shoved the sleeve past his elbow. "What's this?" I snarled at the fresh blood painting his arm.

"I-I'm sorry. Moony I didn't mean to.. it won't happen again." He stammered out.

"Damn right it won't." I got a firm grip on his arm and dragged him out of his bed. I probably should have handled this situation better. But it was getting close to the full moon, and I was on edge.

"Ow, Remus let go of me." He whined. I didn't listen I just tried as hard as I could to get him out the door. He wasn't helping me out, kicking me and grabbing on to everything in site.

"No, Sirius you're sick you need help." I practically shouted at him.

"What's going on?" We had woken James up. "Remus what's going on?"

I heard James cast a _lumos_. I was pulling a struggling Sirius with me to the door, blood on both my hands, Sirius other arm wrapped around one of the bed's posts.

"Look! Look what he did!" I showed James his bloodied arm. That's when Peter woke up.

The other two boys got out of bed to help me. James pried his fingers from around the post and grabbed his upper body with me, while Peter grabbed his feet, and we carried him out of the dorm, through the common room, and all the way to the hospital wing.

All the while Sirius was shouting nonsense. The most common phrase was, "Mummy, help me, they're hurting me!"

The hospital doors banged open and we dropped Sirius on a vacant bed. By now there was blood all over the four of us. "Stay there!" I snapped, going to get the matron.

Madam Pomfrey was shocked awake when I went and knocked on her door and told her what was going on. By the time we arrived back in the main part of the wing Sirius had calmed down considerably.

There was blood still coming out of his open wounds, and tears running down his face into his lap. When he saw us he just whispered. "I want my mummy."

"We will floo the you parents in the morning." Madam Pomfrey informed him.

"No, not them. Not the Black's. My _real_ mummy, the one who loves me. Or at least he used to. Unlike you Lupin! You were going to be my mummy, you were going to take care of me."

"I am taking care of you. I'm getting you help." My voice came out colder than I intended.

Sirius let out the most heart wrenching sob I have ever heard., and whispered. "I hate you."

It broke my heart to see him like that I had to get out of the room.

SBRL

The whole school watched as Sirius Black was carried out the front doors in a muggle straight jacket. He didn't struggle, he just went with them completely numb to the world.

The only people who weren't surprised were the three remaining marauders. None of them said anything, they didn't even look at each other.

TBC…


	6. Leave Out All the Rest

A/N: okay wow it's been a really long time since I updated hasn't it. Sorry! I have no excuse all I can say is sorry. Also this is the last chapter wow.. And I re-wrote chapter five.. So go reread it real quick. (shouldn't take you too long I think it's the shortest anyway) wow this story is (sadly) one of my bests. And I cant believe it turned out to be six chapters. I only wrote this intending it to be a one-shot, because I was bored in class. So thanks for everyone who's stuck with me and reviewed. Now I'm done babbling so here's the final chapter.

I stayed in the mental ward of St. Mungo's through the entire summer. At the beginning of august James and his dad came to pick me up and stay with them. It had been a while since I'd hurt myself, or felt any urge to. In fact I liked to think of myself as normal. Well as normal as one can be with a past and family as crappy as mine. Pranks and having fun. Well they almost sounded appealing again.

James promised to get me a motorbike for Christmas if I didn't hurt myself. I've always wanted one.

I'm happy to say that I don't hate Remus. At first I did. I would tell the healers if I ever got out of here I would hunt him down and lock him up and torment him. But I don't have to do that, because his 'furry little problem' has already beat me to it. I think that's part of the reason why I can't hold onto those feelings. But I'm glad they're gone.

So far schools been normal, like it used to be before everything bad happened. Everyone acts like nothing happened last year. And that's the way I like it. Well I say everyone… Really I mean everyone but Snivellus. Which just makes James pick on him more. James is my best friend, and I know he loves me.

Remus. Well I don't call him mummy anymore. Mrs. Potter took me in as her second son. I'm forever grateful for that. And at the end of this year I'll go back for the summer. Unless I have another 'incident.'

We hardly ever talk about them. But if we ever do happen to bring it up Remus refers to them as 'incidents'. I think it's his way of making them seem not as bad as they really were.

RLSB

I'd had a terrible week. I failed three tests. I'd accidentally burned my hand in potions. Really it was an accident, Remus was even a witness to it. I had detentions all week for pulling a really awesome prank. And the Slytherins had been a right pain in my arse.

I was polishing the trophy room a couple hours ago for my last detention. Tonight was a full moon, so I'd skipped dinner to get it done early. But James wouldn't let me go with him and Peter until I'd eaten something. So I told him I'd meet him out there and went down to the kitchens, and now I was on my way back to help Moony out.

I wasn't paying much attention so I was shocked when I heard someone snarl right in front of me "watch where you're going Black."

"Snivellus." I looked up and sure enough it was the grease ball. "Get out of my way, I have places to be."

"What's wrong Black? Not going to go cut yourself open again are you." He mocked. "Where's your mummy Lupin. Or doesn't he love you anymore."

"Leave me alone Snivellus. Now get out of my way." I tried to walk past him, but he wouldn't let me by.

"Don't any of your friends love you anymore. Or are you just too bug of a freak for them."

He was starting to make me cry. I needed to get out of there before I broke down in front of him. "That's not true. Now move"

"Oh, but I forgot you're not the only freak in the group. Where's Lupin then, huh? Where is he. Not here with you, he must think you're a bigger freak. Doesn't want to make himself look bad. But really now Black. Where do you and your little friends go every month? The mental ward." He was laughing in my face, and I couldn't hold back my tears much longer.

"You really wanna know?" I snapped at him. "They're underneath the whomping willow."

"Oh a likely story. You get killed trying to get anywhere near that thing."

"Not if you press one of the knots in the trunk. It will freeze for a little while and the base will open up. Just follow the tunnel." I was finally able to push past him and run up the stairs. I wasn't thinking about what I had just done. I stopped in my tracks.

I had just sent Snape to his death, possibly the one thing I'd love to have. But I'd also sent him to Moony's death. If he bit him, Moony would be executed, or worse get kicked out of school!

I pulled out my two-way mirror James had given me. For emergencies. "James, James" I yelled into it. His face appeared. Behind him I could see the grand staircase. He was still waiting for me there.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" he asked quickly.

"James I did something stupid, yell at me later. But you have to save Snape form Moony, I sent him down the tunnel." I sobbed this all out as fast as I could. I think those tears finally started falling too.

"Sirius, go get Dumbledore, and wait for me outside the hospital wing." And James was gone.

I ran as fast as I could to the headmaster's office. When I got to the gargoyle's I yelled the password at them, thankful I'd gotten in trouble just earlier that week, and sprinted up the moving stairs.

"Professor Dumbledore!" I yelled pounding on the door before opening it. When I ran in he was just coming out of his mini-library, book still in hand. "Professor please, I did something bad."

"What's happened, Mr. Black?" he asked me calmly.

"Snape was being mean, and well, I told him how to find Remus. Sir, it's a full moon."

The headmaster was down the stairs in a split second. I knew he was going to help. I walked as slow as I could to go wait outside the hospital wing. I knew I was in for it. Remus would for sure hate me now. I'd get expelled. The Potter's wouldn't want me at their house anymore. I'd have to go live as a hobo, like a common muggle person. Maybe Remus should bite me too. Or maybe I should get locked up forever.

It seemed only a couple minutes before I saw my best friend, Peter and the headmaster leading Snape up the stairs.

Dumbledore lead him into the hospital wing. I ran up to James, tears falling. He pulled me into a hug and held me tight. "I'm sorry, I deserve anything you want to do to me. You can yell or punch me, anything. And I deserve to be expelled."

"Shh. Sirius he didn't get bit, its okay. Snape's going to be okay. And it's not my place to do any of those things. You'll have to wait until Remus gets back. Then you can apologize to him."

I pulled out of his hug, and wiped the tears off.

"Besides, you know Remus, how often does he ever get mad." Oh poor peter. Always trying to make things better but never quite succeeding.

RLSB

"Sirius I'm very disappointed in you." Remus never yelled. Peter was right. But I think this disappointment was worse, because I was used to people yelling.

"Please Moony, please don't hate me. I'm sorry. I'll leave the school, I'll go be homeless and sell all my things. I'll do anything you want, but please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you Sirius. I could never hate you." I sat down on the edge of his bed. "Let's just forget about everything. Everything that happened last year, and this. Let's just forgive and forget."

So we forgot. And the four Marauder's lived the rest of their Hogwarts lives in peace, with these accidents forever buried and unmentioned.

Years into my future. Long and lonely years I will never imagine. When I will sit in prison for a crime I never committed, but a crime I'd forgotten I'd deserved. These two years will haunt me over and over. Only after twelve years of this torment reliving what happened every minute of my life. Only then will I really forgot what happened and finally learn to move forward. And look forward to a future I can be happy in.


End file.
